Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
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*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.