Be the change you want to find in your couch.
Wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard, “Actually sir, we have you on camera.”
I wonder if flies ever think, “I bet I could get this guy to slap himself in the face.”
Because they’d be right.
I’m going to hire a Priest, a Doctor and a Rabbi to walk into a bar together just to see WTF happens. Backup Plan: I’ll also bring a horse.
Book Of Tim, 3:13. Behold, the lord said unto them, leave not your nachos unattended for quickly they become the spoils of thieving women.
All I want for Christmas is a copy of your naughty list.
Hug a tree. Then rub your hands along it’s trunk and tell it how knotty it is.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I write a letter to a prison inmate to tell them how much better my life is than theirs.
Sometimes it’s nice to feel another body pressed up against your own, even if rigor mortis has already set it.