@UrbanDouchebag

Wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard, “Actually sir, we have you on camera.”

@UrbanDouchebag

I wonder if flies ever think, “I bet I could get this guy to slap himself in the face.”

Because they’d be right.

@UrbanDouchebag

I’m going to hire a Priest, a Doctor and a Rabbi to walk into a bar together just to see WTF happens. Backup Plan: I’ll also bring a horse.

@UrbanDouchebag

Book Of Tim, 3:13. Behold, the lord said unto them, leave not your nachos unattended for quickly they become the spoils of thieving women.

@UrbanDouchebag

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is a copy of your naughty list.

Love,

-Tim

@UrbanDouchebag

Hug a tree. Then rub your hands along it’s trunk and tell it how knotty it is.

@UrbanDouchebag

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I write a letter to a prison inmate to tell them how much better my life is than theirs.

@UrbanDouchebag

Sometimes it’s nice to feel another body pressed up against your own, even if rigor mortis has already set it.