We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
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Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Awesome parenting 😂
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community