Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
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Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?