My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
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{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Wake me when AI does housework
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.