I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
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Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
#Caturday
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.