New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
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An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.