He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
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Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue