Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
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If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
A little too much information.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.