I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
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If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
everyone has that one prude friend
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.