this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
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Forever 21… pounds overweight
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.