I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
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I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Interior design 👌
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..