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Page of VaguelyFunnyDan's best tweets

@VaguelyFunnyDan : A gorgeous woman's been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

@VaguelyFunnyDan: "I'll never forget you Jack"
"Can I float on that wood too, Rose?"
"I'll always remember you"
"Seems like there's room for--"
"Goodbye Jack"

@VaguelyFunnyDan: (Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today's pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)

@VaguelyFunnyDan: A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it 'cause I made it up.

@VaguelyFunnyDan: I'm just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you're changing your phone number and the next you're filing a restraining order.

@VaguelyFunnyDan: (confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does "Single Ladies" dance)

@VaguelyFunnyDan: Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I'm a special person who cares deeply about some things & I'm freaking 'cause that's SO me

@VaguelyFunnyDan: Had no idea why my salad was $175, 'til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.

@VaguelyFunnyDan: Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you're auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say "OK I'll let you know"

@VaguelyFunnyDan: My wife is enjoying the attention I've been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it's saved our marriage