Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
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[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
sir, my pâté if you please
Breaking news:
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
normalize having existential bread
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
In space, no one can hear…
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.