9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
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I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”