Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of VanGobot's best tweets

@VanGobot : [armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should've listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*

@VanGobot: [barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* ...quickly

@VanGobot: if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that's called a bananeurysm

@VanGobot: WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you

@VanGobot: [first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself

*chasing me*
sir! you can't leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*

@VanGobot: CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):

@VanGobot: waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours

@VanGobot: *captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you'll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.

@VanGobot: leatherface: cmon, we're gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn't just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine