Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
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When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Seductively sings in Klingon.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*