It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
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They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.