When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
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I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck