I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
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Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.