i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
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Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese