@VenisVal

Ab Muscles: You’re having ANOTHER cookie?

Brain: Yep!

Ab Muscles: You’re just never planning on seeing us again?

Brain: Nope!

@VenisVal

My friend’s wife is so controlling. When they’re together, he talks like he’s filming a hostage video.

@VenisVal

Boss: Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today?

Me: It’ll be higher quality and less tense for everyone if we wait?

Boss: Today!

@VenisVal

It’s easier to compliment a woman when you’re traveling with a toddler.

“Son, say hi to the beautiful lady with the piercing green eyes.”