[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
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Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Breaking news:
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Monica just destroyed the internet
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious