Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@VerbsRProudest : 12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
@VerbsRProudest: I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
@VerbsRProudest: When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
@VerbsRProudest: I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
@VerbsRProudest: I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
@VerbsRProudest: I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn't solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
@VerbsRProudest: My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
@VerbsRProudest: The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven't seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
@VerbsRProudest: Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
@VerbsRProudest: Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y'all just let it happen.
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