Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Friend: What time is it?
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.