[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
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Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
set yourself free xox
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
She: I like Cats
He: