BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
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Deer are just ballerina dogs
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel