Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
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Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman