I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
absolute chaos
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space