Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
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Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
cat vs inanimate object
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.