Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
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I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours