@VibesBummer

We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.

@VibesBummer

[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies

@VibesBummer

Got kicked out of Star Fleet for using the transporter to catch up to the ice cream man after I’ve missed him going down my street.

@VibesBummer

Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.

@VibesBummer

If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.

@VibesBummer

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.

@VibesBummer

Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.

@VibesBummer

Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.

@VibesBummer

1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.

@VibesBummer

[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*