We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Got kicked out of Star Fleet for using the transporter to catch up to the ice cream man after I’ve missed him going down my street.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*