christening a ship with an overripe banana
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.