me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
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Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
taking June’s advice to heart
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.