@Vice_Queen: I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
@Vice_Queen: I'm at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I've ever tried.
@Vice_Queen: Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
@Vice_Queen: Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don't know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
@Vice_Queen: Sorry for loudly singing "Whoomp there it is!" when you took your pants off. It's been a while.
@Vice_Queen: I don't believe in gender equality because there are just some things I'm not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
@Vice_Queen: [Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
@Vice_Queen: So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?