@Vice_Queen

Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.

@Vice_Queen

I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.

@Vice_Queen

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

@Vice_Queen

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

@Vice_Queen

Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.

@Vice_Queen

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

@Vice_Queen

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

@Vice_Queen

[Me flirting with a twenty something]

Him: When last did you get lit?

Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.

@Vice_Queen

OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!

~ My dog every time I use a broom

@Vice_Queen

So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?