If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom