I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
You Might Also Like
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.