velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
You Might Also Like
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.