Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
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[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.