*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
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My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Not my job 😂
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡