Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
You Might Also Like
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Woke up against my better judgement again
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end