customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
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I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
For the ones in the back.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.