What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
You Might Also Like
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.