“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
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Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question