Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
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I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
dictator is short for richard potato
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?