A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
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Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
I’d love this…lol
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it