Oh my god you don’t need makeup!
~ people who have obviously never seen me without makeup
I am at my most old Italian man when I buy something that tastes awful from Costco but eat it all anyway because I paid good money for that and we don’t waste food in this house
I love when people complain about other people’s kids like other people’s grown ups aren’t way worse
The real criminals are the recipes that suggest using apple sauce instead of butter
Me, age 30: *scrolling*
Me, age 37: *finally finds the recipe at the end*
[Bottomless shrimp night at Red Lobster]
Me: *backing out of the restaurant with no pants on* There’s been a horrible mistake…
FINISH HIM I yell to the ninth taco, while unbuttoning my pants to make room.