@VisionBored1

Oh my god you don’t need makeup!

~ people who have obviously never seen me without makeup

@VisionBored1

I am at my most old Italian man when I buy something that tastes awful from Costco but eat it all anyway because I paid good money for that and we don’t waste food in this house

@VisionBored1

I love when people complain about other people’s kids like other people’s grown ups aren’t way worse

@VisionBored1

The real criminals are the recipes that suggest using apple sauce instead of butter

@VisionBored1

Me, age 30: *scrolling*

Me, age 37: *finally finds the recipe at the end*

@VisionBored1

[Bottomless shrimp night at Red Lobster]

Me: *backing out of the restaurant with no pants on* There’s been a horrible mistake…

@VisionBored1

FINISH HIM I yell to the ninth taco, while unbuttoning my pants to make room.