Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
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would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago