I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
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Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.