I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
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My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
I’m giving up for Lent.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl