Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
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I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise