I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
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*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way