The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
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Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
i choose….tongue
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
how many bears make up a bear minimum