I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
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[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
An odd boast
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
We’ve all been there…