I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
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I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.